As I sit in my window seat on Air Asia flight 884 KL - Bangkok, waiting to take off, I'm still recovering from a feeling that's been overwhelming me since I checked in for the flight. It's a feeling including confusion, sadness and nostalgia. Nostalgia is my worst enemy, but I'm also learning not to assume that everything I feel can be simply assigned to it either.
I'm supposedly on my way back to a home-like country - NZ. To all appearances it's more like my home than anywhere in Asia. So why do I feel like I'm leaving somewhere that's starting to feel like home?
I'm returning to NZ because my mum is visiting me there in two weeks and I just can't wait to see her. Kathy's then coming out in March. There's the possibility of festival-esque work in between. If I'm honest though, if it weren't for the wonderful family visits, I'd not be going back yet.
Dad put it quite simply over Christmas: "NZ doesn't seem to be very exciting for you, Jo." He's right, and that actually gives me a bit of a guilt feeling. It's a beautiful country, but it's not challenging or exciting me or teaching me anything. That's actually the main attraction for so many people, but for me, at the moment, it's not what I'm looking for. I feel like I'm going through all the motions in NZ because I've got the visa so I might as well see stuff while I'm here. What I look forward to the most is the idea of living and working in Wellington for a while. Main reason for that is probably because it's the closest I'll find to my life in Glasgow and Edinburgh over here. In which case, I might as well have stayed at home.
Maybe it's time for a rethink. Maybe I'm riding on too much nostalgia full stop. Maybe I need to go home for a reality check. Maybe my brief return to Malaysia has reminded me of what I want to be doing and where I want to be at the moment. Maybe I have no idea.
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